One of those days

Today was not a really good day, ahh sometimes i feel really homesick even though im in my house, but not my home, that place beside the sea is what i consider my home but there's nothing i can do to comeback there, im stuck in here. Once i was told that i have to let go of things and look to the future, i remember those words where like an arrow crossong one of my lungs, but it was true, i need to keep looking forward, when you told me i wanted to hold you so bad... Ok enough with you, im over it, i think.. yes im over it, and i dont want to open wounds.

During the whole day i wanted to be alone with me and my thoughts just one more time, it seems that i cant think clearly when im in my house or awake at 3:00 a.m., i always get that kind of feeling when im at school its like so frustrating because in school i cant be alone its like im alone and when people see me they come to me and ask me if im fine, and yes im always fine, i actually thank them for worrying about how i am, but there are other times when i just want to think without distractions, and sometimes i really hate that because your alone they think something's wrong with you, well in my case im always normal and maybe a little confused but im not breaking down. Ive missed so many things lately, the smell of humidity in the morning, the bright and burning sun, my friends must of all... Gosh depending on my day all of them just start appearing in everything i think, it really depresses me to know that im here, not knowing what the hell i am supposed to be doing in such a place like this, and no im not despising the place where i live, i actually like it, the people, the weather, the environment and a lot bunch of things but there's always this thought of comparison to the city beside the sea and of course this place ends up loosing as usual.

And other days its like this kind of idea of Jeez is hard for me to stay here, its getting harder to breath... what if i just stop? It may sound suicidal but its not its a metaphor of how hard is being here and what if i just leave, even though there's no freakin' way to get the hell out of here, its like if i was tied up to the ground. Right now i so want to cry and hold someone so bad... but i cant cry its seems there's a drought inside my eyes, and i cant hold someone because there's not a real person around me to be held. My world seems to fall apart but one more time, yes one more time, ill have to stand strong even if im decomposing from the inside.

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer feels so nostalgic, but cant do anyhting about it...

MQ ......................... I want to find the key however it is, to unchain myself from the ground . smm- simply me -M

First time

Hmm I have followed my principles and im giving it a shot, im scared of doing something wrong... Hurting that person, change the way we act, the communication, ahh i mean i feel something but im not sure if that feeling can get deeper or just stay as friend type, that's why im giving it the chance to see what happens next, i feel good im not freaked out maybe a little confused.. cuz i never thought that somebody could have ever liked me. That was my first thought when t got the text, i was like "How can someone like me?". Yep that was my first thought then it was the second "Im not that kind of person.. im the "friend" type, the one who is always there but never that special". As they say there's always a first time, and what an experience, i have always felt like that, i mean believing in love but never believed i would be the person that was on the mind of someone else, i always thought "I'll do things in the name of love", and i never considered myself as a great person to be able to be that kind, the kind that is likeable, i think.

There's not really much to say, i have been thinking a lot of principles and i dont want to go to fast and neither to close my mind for a new possibility, that in the end may lead me to what i have always expected for, but even though there is always the black side of it, i dont want to hurt anybody, i dont want to do the wrong thing, i dot want to pretend a lie, for the first time, Im really really affraid, i dont want to mess up.

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer maybe is starting to believe...

MQ ......................... I dont want to make mistakes . smm- simply me -M

Along came the good stuff

What can i say, hmm sorry i havent posted anything lately, well its been actually, since i got brokenhearted but now im fine im over it and i dont need anybody to be happy or to make smile, ive got friends to make stronger. Even though im still looking for that special one but not as hard as i used to cuz very inside of me im still affraid of getting hurt again, but whats life without pain and loosing, and whats life without love, its like breathing without any air, so ill have to get used to it.

It kind of left me a good thing, i started to draw again and to write songs. As one of my drawings says... Along with bad things good things come along.. and its true, i mean now that my mind is clear and not worried about anything its like this whole bunch of ideas just started popping out of my head even if sometimes i cant find the way to make them something concrete. I have this idea of dude or a dudette haha that is lying under an apple tree but i dont know how to develop it into a sheet of paper... im still thinking about how can i do to draw it the way i want it to turn out, uhh i think ill have to make it wrong some times so i can make the right one.

As they say, mess up the first times and correct your mistakes so you can make the last one correct.

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer maybe is starting to believe..

MQ ......................... bad things=good things . smm- simply me -M

I better stop being such a fool for you...

Oh man i cant believe it...
I have just read every post in here, and i truly cant believe how blinded and lost i was about you, hmm i mean if the outcome had turned differently i would feel better but the outcome was painful, it bursted my beautiful bubble. I am still a fool for you but i need to stop believing and come to reality i have to change the way i feel so this whole stops burning..., even though the result of telling the truth totally depressed me. Telling you the truth was the biggest mistake of my life, and telling you that you were always the only thing on my mind,but i have to admit that you still are.. God i cant lie, thinking of you still makes me wanna smile, i have to get you out of my mind and throw this emotion away, ive tried a dozen times to do that, it seems i cant let go of it.

It kind of upsets me that i cant deal with this, a part of me doesnt want to give up and still believes there is something that i can do to hold you, and then there is this other side that is willing to admit that there was nothing to make us come together, and to let go of this feeling that only makes me feel so depressed and sad because it knows that is not going to be easy to let go of the only person that made me happy and the only person that had the power to destroy me, im half destroyed but im on repair, i dont know when ill be ready, i hope soon so i can close my heart with all of the locks you broke and attach a lot more so if someone hurts me again that locks will remind me that i cant let myself believe something that is not going to happen. I have plenty of support to move on, they all say there are lots of fishes in the sea and that i can find another one... but when i find the other fish i am certain that im going to start comparing it with you, and for my heart your are going to be irreaplaceable cuz there is not going to be any one like you and because of that i wont let that other fish inside of my head, i am still going to be thinking of you, your eyes, your smile. I have to let this idea fly away from my heart and mind.

Cuz i gave you my everything but i wasnt the one...

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*
This dreamer is tired of dreaming of things that were never real.

MQ ......................... now I know it was nothing there to hold on to. smm- simply me -M

Truth

Man im seriously sad... and depresed i want to hurt myself to punch the wall and brake my hand, but im not that brave to hit the wall with all my strenght, im such a coward. i cant believe that the reason i traveled so far now makes me think of my dumbness and to regret everything, well not everything, i mean the fact that i told you what i was supposed to tell you, i believe that was the worst mistake of my life... and im still young God if i only had thought twice before making that kind of choice maybe i wouldnt feel like this, but just maybe because as they say if you dont risk you dont win, but in this case i risked all of my integrity from my mind to my heart and what was the outcome? Coming back to this place broken hearted and regreting everything.

I cant believe how stupid i was to go with an illusion and founding out everything i dreamt was supposed to be a dream and nothing more, im not the one for you it was never meant to be, i kept holding on to that idea of happiness, I now declare im done with this stupid obsession with love, (Moulin Rouge). The only thing i can say is that i dont believe in anything, believing is painful, you will just have to let time heal you, even if it will hurt like fucking hell, if time doesnt heal me ill have to take this nail with another nail. I dont want to listen any music, it depresses me like you have no fucking idea, in the whole day i didnt even touched my ipod, but the stupid radio always comes out with that stupid love song, i remember i heard this song that really made me want to get out of the car and start running through the traffic and see if a car ran over me, the song was its you by ryan cabrera God Ryan Cabrera i damn you! no and thats not the end of this messed up day later, arriving at my house Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls was on the radio, i totally wanted to kill myself, i actually punched the air bag, my mom was like: whats wrong with you? i totally answered nothing mom... ¬¬ i seriously wanted to die. Sorry that i didnt said goodbye, i didnt had the guts but if i had told you, i would have cried, i didnt wanted you to see me cry. Even though i cried on the plane... people were staring at me.

Now ill have to look inside my heart something that makes me write without wanting to hit the walls and hurt myself.

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

Maybe this dreamer doesnt want to dream anymore, cuz the next dream that pops up may die, but now the dreamer as weak as it is, it may die with its dream.

MQ ......................... now I know it was nothing there to hold on to. smm- simply me -M

Hoping for an outcome.

Well im here, and i am not sure if im going to be able to tell you all of the things i want to say... i mean today is my last day here, i really need to take this of my head its killing me, yesterday i saw you, i couldnt take my eyes of off you it was like i was hypnotized by all of your glow, i melted jeez im telling today also to other people how i am, while i do this i hope they react ok even though im expecting the worst, sometimes is better to expect the worst cuz if you're expecting like the best it always turns out wrong so if i expect the worstand they react ok i will be relieved and not hurt or disappointed. Im still wondering how will you react after i spit everything out, with no exceptions. I think im going to freeze as always or maybe i will try to evade the subject, or even run away like the coward i am. It feels i cant breathe or im pausing in every breath. Right now i need someone to encourage me to go and ask you if i can take 10 minutes of your time, going by myself is going to be hard, really hard. But well there's nothing more ican say right now, im affraid, its the truth ill let time pass and hope for a nice outcome, or at least an answer.