What now?

Wow its been a shitty while since i posted something here, but school has kept me busy, really damn busy and i have to admit i have forgoten i had this blog but well lets start writting again.

I'm not feeling at my best right now, there is this thing i feel that burns every inch of my body, even if i don't want it to burn, it burns beyond comparison, it runs through my blood as a rush of adrenaline, it heads for my pale hands that now turn into fists, crying for a way out, begging for some other pain to come and neutralize it. It's just impossible, it is always the same old story, the same shitty game I've been having to play that makes it harder to breath. I wonder when will it stop, when will it fade away, I guess I can't help to be afraid, afraid to lose it all...

A bunch of encountered feelings rounding my heart inside a black cloud of confusion, what to do?

I find myself at the edge, not sure whether to cry or to scream, not willing to lose it all, what is it there to come and knock me down, I won't be able to carry on, cuz I know I'm not that strong, at least not like I used to be. What is it there for me to do? I'm barely holding on, just realized my whole world has always been pending on a loosen string and I'll never be able to step out of it unless it brakes. Here's when sometimes you can't help to cry and wonder what's next, how will it all develop, a feeling that keeps you awake all night. Because you know in one second everything can change and the things you once had, they won't belong to you anymore, they've been taken away from you, and you're left to admire NOTHING but your empty shaking hands that now are filled with tears and impotence, those hands that once were full of joy. Back in those days where you weren't afraid to lose every single thing you owned, but it all changes, cuz you now have too much to lose and by losing it you will lose yourself as well.

It all can be so contradictory, life is about risking every penny, but what to risk when you've got everything, what to lose when you have nothing... It is only matter of points of view, at least in my point of view. I, am scared to death.

A dreamer dreams of an idea and dreams it will never die...*

This dreamer hopes for inner peace and a clear path

MQ....................................................................................simply me

smm soul

Learn from this

wow since january first i havent written anything.. i feel so bad, i dont know why i havent been writing here again, i remember this can take away my pain, my confusion, my indecision, everything i have to deal with. So lets start to get this out off my chest...

We all have been broken hearted at least once and we know how it feels to feel that all of your dreams crash to the ground, empty, lost, depressed and all of the painful things that come with it, but seriously have you ever broken someone's heart? Well last week i did that... and in my head i kept thinking: "i am the person less indicated to brake someone's heart after what happened to me, but i have to do this before it gets worst." Let me explain the because of those words, well my best friend fell in love with me, and he kept on asking a good friend of both if she could help him out with me, and she agreed and later told me how much he was into me, how i lighted up his day... dude i felt so bad when she told me :"You dont know how many things he have asked me, begged me to do so you can love him the he loves you, he loves in a way that you dont have an idea." I froze and yelled :"He cant fall in love with me, i dont want anything with him, he is my best friend and nothing more, Im not the one for him."

She nodded and then we both returned to our houses, i remember that night i couldnt sleep, and the other day just got way worst.. by that time i was ignoring him to make him see i wanted nothing with him, that day at school another friend told me i was between 2 other people, i mean 2 people liked me, people i know, and i wasnt even sure how i felt, it totally freaked me out. I gave it little importance and continued my life, that afternoon mariana told me that he has been feeling dead, that he didnt want to do anything just because i ignored him, i was totally upset because i mean i cant kill him, but to mess the day even more he asked another friend of mine for help, but this dude messed it up so baad, he started telling my Bf that he liked me and that he and i almost became boyfriend and girlfriend, so my bf freaked out and called mariana crying, mariana was online so she started telling me that he was crying and all of that, Crap i so wanted to hit the wall as i always do but i didnt, mariana told me:"Hey you should really talk to him, you are hurting him more by ignoring him" fine i said.

And then Friday came along on the second recess at school i decided to talk to him...
i told him the truth, why i ignored him, that i dont see him as something more than my friend and that i could never get to love him the way he loves me.. on sports class he cried with mariana, i felt so bad, but inside of me i knew it was the best. He ignored me the rest of the day and monday but he is a bipolar so later on he started talking to me, i totally dont understand him, and all i can say is that men are such babies, i know it hurts but you get over it no matter how deep you feel for someone, so i told him to learn from this, to become stronger, i did the best i could not to be rude but ahh i feel better letting this "business" out.

Ill be back tomorrow...

This dreamer is confused and sorry

MQ ......................... If things just could get back to normal... smm- simply me -M

Best Wishes, Peace love and rock n' roll

Well Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everybody you know my greeting to everybody and my best wishes, i hope that everybody who reads this stays healthy and wish them peace&love some drugs and rock n' roll haha ok just rock n' roll and success in everything you desire to do and whatever you are passionate for, follow your heart mote than your insticts well at least thats what i think its better. So i celebrated with my family you know eat till you drop im certain im going to gain some weight but well its a new year i have new goals and dreams or at least a kind of new perspective about everything . Right now i dont have nothing to say so this is the only thing im going to write.

Look through people's eyes...

I just exploded, by that i mean that i just couldnt take it anymore the whole hypocrisy all around the place i love the most, agh it makes me sick to see how can people blinded by lies that are disguising the truth, the beautiful truth. Why is it so hard for humanity to difference what is and isnt true? why some of the people i care for are fooled by a two-faced? C'mon people she's full of lies, just see through her eyes! That person is nothing more than an opportunist, a liar, hypocrit, back stabber, selfish and a lot more negative adjectives that i wont say cuz i think if i go on with the list somehow ill sound like that person and this blog is not about exposing people that i think are a waste of time hanging around with this blog is all about the way i feel, the way i write to the situations and problems that surround me, the way i interpret my dreams, this aint a fuckin "burn book" stupid mean girls... that movie should have never been thought of, but well enough of this bullshit.

Its 4:27 am, im not sleepy at all, im thinking about what i want to do with my life, the goals i want to acomplish, the dreams i want to make them happen, but everything looks so blurry and all of my enthusiasm slowly fades away. The only thing that im certain about is that whatever the hell i end up studying i will definetely write a book, its my dream, well besides the other ones i have that are im not really sure of. Lately, it seems that i cant write a simple paragraph of a song, i cant connect the phrases ive written. for me it always looks like there is something missing, that the song has no meaning, and as a person who likes the lyrics of a song more than the music i think its very important to me that anything that i write has a meaning not that stupid songs that are just about sex or whatever the fuck rhymes, I truly believe in the reflection of the writters emotions and inspiration in each song it composes. I dont consider myself as a song writter, im like a "wanna be song writter" i have to make an extra effort to become a real song writter.

A dreamer dreams of and idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer is tired of the lies, you can see that through my eyes...
I cant take it anymore, i ask to the people to unblind themselves

MQ ......................... Wherever and whatever i end up doing or going ill take truth as one of my principles... smm- simply me -M

Love and believing is over rated...

Have you ever felt lost? Well as far as i know im feeling like that almost all the time, like you dont know what to do with your life, seems you cant think straight everything is just too confusing and stressing. You cant decide the simplest selection between 2 things.. literally you dont know anything about anything, i dont really know what to believe in, and honesty i dont want to believe anything i see or hear from those people i really dont get along that much, is like this song im trying really hard to write ... life is a game that has to be played, watch your back cuz you dont know what'll attack you from behind, when i finish the song maybe ill post it here but well lets hope at least that i finish it. Im looking for something that cannot be seen, that has no color, that has no shape, not a certain description that stupid thing is called love but by that i dont mean someone that loves me but i dont feel the same way.. or someone i love and doesnt feel the same way, i want the corresponded love.. the one that can be felt and that is returned in the same way... Holly crap why the fuck do i always try to disguise reality?? im so stupid, i notice that i am but i am blindfolded by all of this illusions, i cant really brake outside this fuckin' fantasy world where everything is just colorful and beautiful and there's no place for depression, sadness, confusion, impotense, heartache, all of those things that are hars on this messed up world... i recall the beatles song "Everybody wants to change the world" and yes its damn true i want a world with no discrimination, racism, war, lies, i want all of those things to be over. I truly listen to the beatles because i hear their lyrics and makes me change my perspective about a lot of things, but right now all i need is love that special love, ive been really disappointed about "love" maybe the only thing you dont need is love.. by this i dont mean to ofend anyone who is reading the nonsense im writting but love is a dead end road from my perspective, and no, im not in love, love is fckn overrated.

A dreamer dreams of and idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer is lost and drowning...

MQ ......................... Everything nowadays is over rated and believing is just getting harder everyday... smm- simply me -M

E-mail

Well ive been a little off this, and i truly regret it because this kind of takes the pain away its like a healer but ok, hmm here it goes.
Today i received an email from a good friend of mine at first i said: "great another chain letter email.. ohh what the heck lets see what's about". So i opened it and started reading it, i was totally shocked of all of the things it said, the name of the email was 17 ways to know if you are in love.. I mean not all of them i felt related too but like at least 10 i have felt or done, the stronger ones it said.. everytime you look at a picture of that person you stare at its eyes, then it was everytime you think of that person you smile to yourself, another was everytime you are around that person you feel really shy and the last onee that really made me feel weird it said: "through all the email youve thinking of that person and because of that you missed that the mail skipped number twelve and now you just went up to clarify that and right now you are laughing silently."

But well there was a bada thing about opening it, i kind of reopened wounds and remembered the way i used to feel about you, and the good thing, that i found some of the answers ive been looking for, that maybe hurted me a bit but made me realize a lot of things and feel a little bad cuz i know i say that im better of alone but sometimes i really need someone to hold... but well i'll just have to keep the past in the past and look forward to whatever its coming, If there's anything coming..

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer feels so alone sometimes, but maybe its better that way...

MQ ......................... I want to find the one to make me stop feeling like this and make me feel the way i used to when you were on my mind.... smm- simply me -M

One of those days

Today was not a really good day, ahh sometimes i feel really homesick even though im in my house, but not my home, that place beside the sea is what i consider my home but there's nothing i can do to comeback there, im stuck in here. Once i was told that i have to let go of things and look to the future, i remember those words where like an arrow crossong one of my lungs, but it was true, i need to keep looking forward, when you told me i wanted to hold you so bad... Ok enough with you, im over it, i think.. yes im over it, and i dont want to open wounds.

During the whole day i wanted to be alone with me and my thoughts just one more time, it seems that i cant think clearly when im in my house or awake at 3:00 a.m., i always get that kind of feeling when im at school its like so frustrating because in school i cant be alone its like im alone and when people see me they come to me and ask me if im fine, and yes im always fine, i actually thank them for worrying about how i am, but there are other times when i just want to think without distractions, and sometimes i really hate that because your alone they think something's wrong with you, well in my case im always normal and maybe a little confused but im not breaking down. Ive missed so many things lately, the smell of humidity in the morning, the bright and burning sun, my friends must of all... Gosh depending on my day all of them just start appearing in everything i think, it really depresses me to know that im here, not knowing what the hell i am supposed to be doing in such a place like this, and no im not despising the place where i live, i actually like it, the people, the weather, the environment and a lot bunch of things but there's always this thought of comparison to the city beside the sea and of course this place ends up loosing as usual.

And other days its like this kind of idea of Jeez is hard for me to stay here, its getting harder to breath... what if i just stop? It may sound suicidal but its not its a metaphor of how hard is being here and what if i just leave, even though there's no freakin' way to get the hell out of here, its like if i was tied up to the ground. Right now i so want to cry and hold someone so bad... but i cant cry its seems there's a drought inside my eyes, and i cant hold someone because there's not a real person around me to be held. My world seems to fall apart but one more time, yes one more time, ill have to stand strong even if im decomposing from the inside.

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer feels so nostalgic, but cant do anyhting about it...

MQ ......................... I want to find the key however it is, to unchain myself from the ground . smm- simply me -M