Anxious to open up

OMG!! im so happy right now! actually thats kind of... rare nowadays but well, im going to that city beside the sea *sigh*... event though I havent slept in a while, I mean yesterday i only slept like 4 hours but today it changed to winter time that its an hour less so i only slept like 3 hours, but in those hours awake i was only imagining how everything could happen, every alternative, ha i cant believe i spend all night thinking about it, and that doesnt mean i regret it, I truly love thinkin about you, its the best thing I can do with my spare time, my favorite activity, a meaningful thought. All of that, sometimes I think Im too lost in my head thinking of you, even if what i think hasnt happen, anyway i like to come back to reality and tell myself: "Its going to happen... its only a few days away" ahhh today is unreal i feel like i never have felt before, and you know what? its still away that date, imagine how im going to be one day before that date, Jeez im going to start acting like one crazy stupid person or i might freeze and go pale and act like a freakin zombie, hmm i would have to choose between those options and to play it cool, relax even though im about to explode of anxiety!!!! (ok to much coke for today).

To me everything now seems like an illusion but i cant deny the way I blush when I think of you, the way I smile when I remember your words, the way I almost wanna pass out when someone mentions you, the way I wanna go to bed early,Just so I can dream of you although sometimes i dont even sleep, the way I wanna hold your hand, the way I write your name on my schoolpapers, the way my heart beats faster, and the way I feel when I imagine you with me, I cant deny any of them its impossible, its like trying to keep living without any air, just like that...
Im only waiting for that beautiful moment to say the truth and nothing more.

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

I stopped singing...

Lately i have been a little negative and abstent minded again, it seems that everytime i wake up i really dont have the spirit to do anything... not even doing the things i enjoy the most like playing rockband, playing soccer, drawing, SINGING, when i stopped singing i totally thought something was really messed up in my head, truly, i sing like every moment and not singing shocked me. I started to notice that the feeling of emptiness was becoming stronger, i know its normal to miss the things you left behind but honestly these days that feeling is really hurting me, and i cant allow it anymore, its way to hard for me. I need to start creating new ideas of my life at this moment just to give less importance to that emptiness, even though im a little scared of forgetting a lot of things that make me wanna smile.

And not knowing from you is making me insane... but im just too scared to open up, scared to make your cellphone sound ,scared to be let down, but this wall inside of me is like slowly falling apart, the more i do to break it down the slower the bricks start to break.I have always walked on a lonely street, with no one there for me. It took so long to see me in misery. And now it’s clear to me.I wanna see a smile on your face cuz I absolutely love it,When you smile. Im running out of places to hide from you i died to say everything to u but i turned my head away and never really got the guts to say it... and now i regret everything. And now that I dont have no light to guide me and no one to walk beside me, will you come to me? If you care give me a sign and let me know, if you dont at least let me know even if i may not want to hear it, gently talk to me.

Im still searching who im supposed to be, I may find myself or i may not find me, im trying to follow the clues but it seems that there are too many.. but i cant give up right now, cuz i know im waiting for me, i mean that all of me as a whole is there waiting for me to find every little thing inside of me. What im feeling is complicated but if i walk away i will never understand how it feels to overcome that unusual feeling inside of me. Im dreaming of that idea.

A dreamer dreams of an idea and dreams it will never die*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

We are all humans

So its officially not my birthday anymore, i feel good, i think but theres something that really bothers me i mean people always ask hey how does it feel to turn 15? Jeez it feels the same!! you only get older! For me i actually think is a freakin normal day, you get up you go to school you come back, you eat, sleep blah blah blah its the same rutine the only thing that changes is that peopla congratulate you thats the only difference but well enough of this. Yesterday october 10 i really appreciate those who remembered, i really do.. thank you, you are the ones that matter and those who didnt, i mean im not going to have any hard feelings cuz everybody can forget, we are humans. forgetting things is pretty normal. Im not going to be mad at them i will let them realize what they just forgot and learn from it, like a lesson, hoping they remember that i remember almost all the time and im not even over there. But that reason can also be an excuse, well not exactly an excuse, hmm a cause why some people forgot, cuz when i was over there i remember the ones who congratulate me because i was present, standing in front of their eyes, but now im away its more hmm insignificant, well not insignificant, its kind of a harsh word i think the goos word to use would be hmm i actually cant find that word but well i can live with it and move on. I always do and i always will.

Enough anger or whatever it is called lets see im over mexico and i feel alone inside this house with cold walls and full of people, cuz i know all of these people are a bunch of hypocrits maybe there are 2 or 3 that can be saved but i know the rest of them just like to pretend. I really feel lost here, im here for a reason and thats the only thing that matters getting along with these people its just a rock among my way. And in this moments of complete loneliness in my house on my own i feel lonely but i am with myself and nothing else , but in here surrounded by people, I feel lonelier than ever cuz i know this people dont really care of what i do. And in these moments i think of you so something important occupais my head and forget all of that bullshit just imagining that sweet smile all of my pain goes away and all of my anger slowly disappears and im glad it does cuz i stop feeling the need to scream and tell all of those people to shut the fuck up and stop pretending shit they are not, you calm me down and at the same time you make me feel at peace and make me desire that you stay beside me al the time im over here and hold my hand all the time but that wont happen till i talk to you about what i dream, think, desire day and night.

A dreamer dreams of an idea and dreams it will never die*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

An everlasting dream

Ok so uhm its been a long time since i came down here to talk well write, i just dreamt this really weird dream (how normal) that day in the evening i talked to a friend of mine and dreaming he was there, for some reason i was telling him how i felt and how scared i was, i was affraid he wouldnt understand or he would have reacted bad, he totally understood and totally supported me, he said that it was ok to keep some things to yourself but it is better for you to let those feelings out, and he also encouraged me to tell you everything. I was suppossed to be leaving his house but somehow i was walking through his garden and then it got bigger and bigger, i was lost and tired, i layed down beside an apple tree and fell asleep, i dreamt in my dream (totally normal nowadays) that i was standing in front of you and there was this phrase in my mind, i remember it pretty well it was, please dont let me fade away, kiss me goodbye and then if you want we can both fly beside the shinning stars, if you refuse after we kiss ill let you go if that's what you want me to do. Even if the only thing i want to do is stand here right beside you.

I woke up from my dream (still dreaming) and my friend was sitting next to me, i was about to tell him to forgive me cuz of staying over so late, but in the precise second i was about to tell him that he just said: "Its ok im glad you are here, telling me the truth, but now you shouldnt be affraid of giving your heart and soul away, you have to take the risk. Now go, its not really polite to keep that person waiting". I hugged him tight, a tear slipped my cheak, i ran through the garden that now seemed so small, i was arriving to that place behind the mermaid fountain. You were there with those beautiful eyes of yours, and that sweet smile that makes me melt every time you look at me. I was about to say everything i had to and then i had the courage to place my hand over yours and sitting on the edge of the fountain i slipped and grab your arm and you fell with me too, in that moment i was truly sorry for tossing you into the fountain. i said: "Oh crap im really really sorry im such a mess! sorry!", you answered me.. :"Its ok, im fine, really"(really in a soft voice) . By the time you ended that sentence you took my hand for a moment then with both of your hands you reached my face and held it softly for about 2 minutes later still holding my face and your eyes seeing my eyes ( i was totally lost in your eyes!! to true to be real) you aproached my face and then kissed me... Jesus it was like the greatest thing ever. It was so sweet and soft i just didnt wanted to wake up, but yeah i woke up.. how convenient.. but above all of my dreams i can totally swear for everything that i own that it was the most beautiful dream i have ever dreamt. (knowing i dream a lot of you) I would want this dream to be everlasting..

A dreamer dreams of an idea and dreams it will never die*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M