Day by Day

What now?

2009-11-16T20:25:00.000-08:00

Wow its been a shitty while since i posted something here, but school has kept me busy, really damn busy and i have to admit i have forgoten i had this blog but well lets start writting again.

I'm not feeling at my best right now, there is this thing i feel that burns every inch of my body, even if i don't want it to burn, it burns beyond comparison, it runs through my blood as a rush of adrenaline, it heads for my pale hands that now turn into fists, crying for a way out, begging for some other pain to come and neutralize it. It's just impossible, it is always the same old story, the same shitty game I've been having to play that makes it harder to breath. I wonder when will it stop, when will it fade away, I guess I can't help to be afraid, afraid to lose it all...

A bunch of encountered feelings rounding my heart inside a black cloud of confusion, what to do?

I find myself at the edge, not sure whether to cry or to scream, not willing to lose it all, what is it there to come and knock me down, I won't be able to carry on, cuz I know I'm not that strong, at least not like I used to be. What is it there for me to do? I'm barely holding on, just realized my whole world has always been pending on a loosen string and I'll never be able to step out of it unless it brakes. Here's when sometimes you can't help to cry and wonder what's next, how will it all develop, a feeling that keeps you awake all night. Because you know in one second everything can change and the things you once had, they won't belong to you anymore, they've been taken away from you, and you're left to admire NOTHING but your empty shaking hands that now are filled with tears and impotence, those hands that once were full of joy. Back in those days where you weren't afraid to lose every single thing you owned, but it all changes, cuz you now have too much to lose and by losing it you will lose yourself as well.

It all can be so contradictory, life is about risking every penny, but what to risk when you've got everything, what to lose when you have nothing... It is only matter of points of view, at least in my point of view. I, am scared to death.

A dreamer dreams of an idea and dreams it will never die...*

This dreamer hopes for inner peace and a clear path

MQ....................................................................................simply me

smm soul

Learn from this

2009-01-28T17:01:00.000-08:00

wow since january first i havent written anything.. i feel so bad, i dont know why i havent been writing here again, i remember this can take away my pain, my confusion, my indecision, everything i have to deal with. So lets start to get this out off my chest...

We all have been broken hearted at least once and we know how it feels to feel that all of your dreams crash to the ground, empty, lost, depressed and all of the painful things that come with it, but seriously have you ever broken someone's heart? Well last week i did that... and in my head i kept thinking: "i am the person less indicated to brake someone's heart after what happened to me, but i have to do this before it gets worst." Let me explain the because of those words, well my best friend fell in love with me, and he kept on asking a good friend of both if she could help him out with me, and she agreed and later told me how much he was into me, how i lighted up his day... dude i felt so bad when she told me :"You dont know how many things he have asked me, begged me to do so you can love him the he loves you, he loves in a way that you dont have an idea." I froze and yelled :"He cant fall in love with me, i dont want anything with him, he is my best friend and nothing more, Im not the one for him."

She nodded and then we both returned to our houses, i remember that night i couldnt sleep, and the other day just got way worst.. by that time i was ignoring him to make him see i wanted nothing with him, that day at school another friend told me i was between 2 other people, i mean 2 people liked me, people i know, and i wasnt even sure how i felt, it totally freaked me out. I gave it little importance and continued my life, that afternoon mariana told me that he has been feeling dead, that he didnt want to do anything just because i ignored him, i was totally upset because i mean i cant kill him, but to mess the day even more he asked another friend of mine for help, but this dude messed it up so baad, he started telling my Bf that he liked me and that he and i almost became boyfriend and girlfriend, so my bf freaked out and called mariana crying, mariana was online so she started telling me that he was crying and all of that, Crap i so wanted to hit the wall as i always do but i didnt, mariana told me:"Hey you should really talk to him, you are hurting him more by ignoring him" fine i said.

And then Friday came along on the second recess at school i decided to talk to him...
i told him the truth, why i ignored him, that i dont see him as something more than my friend and that i could never get to love him the way he loves me.. on sports class he cried with mariana, i felt so bad, but inside of me i knew it was the best. He ignored me the rest of the day and monday but he is a bipolar so later on he started talking to me, i totally dont understand him, and all i can say is that men are such babies, i know it hurts but you get over it no matter how deep you feel for someone, so i told him to learn from this, to become stronger, i did the best i could not to be rude but ahh i feel better letting this "business" out.

Ill be back tomorrow...

This dreamer is confused and sorry

MQ ......................... If things just could get back to normal... smm- simply me -M

Best Wishes, Peace love and rock n' roll

2009-01-01T17:33:00.000-08:00

Well Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everybody you know my greeting to everybody and my best wishes, i hope that everybody who reads this stays healthy and wish them peace&love some drugs and rock n' roll haha ok just rock n' roll and success in everything you desire to do and whatever you are passionate for, follow your heart mote than your insticts well at least thats what i think its better. So i celebrated with my family you know eat till you drop im certain im going to gain some weight but well its a new year i have new goals and dreams or at least a kind of new perspective about everything . Right now i dont have nothing to say so this is the only thing im going to write.

Look through people's eyes...

2008-12-20T02:10:00.000-08:00

I just exploded, by that i mean that i just couldnt take it anymore the whole hypocrisy all around the place i love the most, agh it makes me sick to see how can people blinded by lies that are disguising the truth, the beautiful truth. Why is it so hard for humanity to difference what is and isnt true? why some of the people i care for are fooled by a two-faced? C'mon people she's full of lies, just see through her eyes! That person is nothing more than an opportunist, a liar, hypocrit, back stabber, selfish and a lot more negative adjectives that i wont say cuz i think if i go on with the list somehow ill sound like that person and this blog is not about exposing people that i think are a waste of time hanging around with this blog is all about the way i feel, the way i write to the situations and problems that surround me, the way i interpret my dreams, this aint a fuckin "burn book" stupid mean girls... that movie should have never been thought of, but well enough of this bullshit.

Its 4:27 am, im not sleepy at all, im thinking about what i want to do with my life, the goals i want to acomplish, the dreams i want to make them happen, but everything looks so blurry and all of my enthusiasm slowly fades away. The only thing that im certain about is that whatever the hell i end up studying i will definetely write a book, its my dream, well besides the other ones i have that are im not really sure of. Lately, it seems that i cant write a simple paragraph of a song, i cant connect the phrases ive written. for me it always looks like there is something missing, that the song has no meaning, and as a person who likes the lyrics of a song more than the music i think its very important to me that anything that i write has a meaning not that stupid songs that are just about sex or whatever the fuck rhymes, I truly believe in the reflection of the writters emotions and inspiration in each song it composes. I dont consider myself as a song writter, im like a "wanna be song writter" i have to make an extra effort to become a real song writter.

A dreamer dreams of and idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer is tired of the lies, you can see that through my eyes...
I cant take it anymore, i ask to the people to unblind themselves

MQ ......................... Wherever and whatever i end up doing or going ill take truth as one of my principles... smm- simply me -M

Love and believing is over rated...

2008-12-18T22:56:00.001-08:00

Have you ever felt lost? Well as far as i know im feeling like that almost all the time, like you dont know what to do with your life, seems you cant think straight everything is just too confusing and stressing. You cant decide the simplest selection between 2 things.. literally you dont know anything about anything, i dont really know what to believe in, and honesty i dont want to believe anything i see or hear from those people i really dont get along that much, is like this song im trying really hard to write ... life is a game that has to be played, watch your back cuz you dont know what'll attack you from behind, when i finish the song maybe ill post it here but well lets hope at least that i finish it. Im looking for something that cannot be seen, that has no color, that has no shape, not a certain description that stupid thing is called love but by that i dont mean someone that loves me but i dont feel the same way.. or someone i love and doesnt feel the same way, i want the corresponded love.. the one that can be felt and that is returned in the same way... Holly crap why the fuck do i always try to disguise reality?? im so stupid, i notice that i am but i am blindfolded by all of this illusions, i cant really brake outside this fuckin' fantasy world where everything is just colorful and beautiful and there's no place for depression, sadness, confusion, impotense, heartache, all of those things that are hars on this messed up world... i recall the beatles song "Everybody wants to change the world" and yes its damn true i want a world with no discrimination, racism, war, lies, i want all of those things to be over. I truly listen to the beatles because i hear their lyrics and makes me change my perspective about a lot of things, but right now all i need is love that special love, ive been really disappointed about "love" maybe the only thing you dont need is love.. by this i dont mean to ofend anyone who is reading the nonsense im writting but love is a dead end road from my perspective, and no, im not in love, love is fckn overrated.

A dreamer dreams of and idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer is lost and drowning...

MQ ......................... Everything nowadays is over rated and believing is just getting harder everyday... smm- simply me -M

E-mail

2008-12-12T18:48:00.000-08:00

Well ive been a little off this, and i truly regret it because this kind of takes the pain away its like a healer but ok, hmm here it goes.
Today i received an email from a good friend of mine at first i said: "great another chain letter email.. ohh what the heck lets see what's about". So i opened it and started reading it, i was totally shocked of all of the things it said, the name of the email was 17 ways to know if you are in love.. I mean not all of them i felt related too but like at least 10 i have felt or done, the stronger ones it said.. everytime you look at a picture of that person you stare at its eyes, then it was everytime you think of that person you smile to yourself, another was everytime you are around that person you feel really shy and the last onee that really made me feel weird it said: "through all the email youve thinking of that person and because of that you missed that the mail skipped number twelve and now you just went up to clarify that and right now you are laughing silently."

But well there was a bada thing about opening it, i kind of reopened wounds and remembered the way i used to feel about you, and the good thing, that i found some of the answers ive been looking for, that maybe hurted me a bit but made me realize a lot of things and feel a little bad cuz i know i say that im better of alone but sometimes i really need someone to hold... but well i'll just have to keep the past in the past and look forward to whatever its coming, If there's anything coming..

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer feels so alone sometimes, but maybe its better that way...

MQ ......................... I want to find the one to make me stop feeling like this and make me feel the way i used to when you were on my mind.... smm- simply me -M

One of those days

2008-11-26T17:59:00.000-08:00

Today was not a really good day, ahh sometimes i feel really homesick even though im in my house, but not my home, that place beside the sea is what i consider my home but there's nothing i can do to comeback there, im stuck in here. Once i was told that i have to let go of things and look to the future, i remember those words where like an arrow crossong one of my lungs, but it was true, i need to keep looking forward, when you told me i wanted to hold you so bad... Ok enough with you, im over it, i think.. yes im over it, and i dont want to open wounds.

During the whole day i wanted to be alone with me and my thoughts just one more time, it seems that i cant think clearly when im in my house or awake at 3:00 a.m., i always get that kind of feeling when im at school its like so frustrating because in school i cant be alone its like im alone and when people see me they come to me and ask me if im fine, and yes im always fine, i actually thank them for worrying about how i am, but there are other times when i just want to think without distractions, and sometimes i really hate that because your alone they think something's wrong with you, well in my case im always normal and maybe a little confused but im not breaking down. Ive missed so many things lately, the smell of humidity in the morning, the bright and burning sun, my friends must of all... Gosh depending on my day all of them just start appearing in everything i think, it really depresses me to know that im here, not knowing what the hell i am supposed to be doing in such a place like this, and no im not despising the place where i live, i actually like it, the people, the weather, the environment and a lot bunch of things but there's always this thought of comparison to the city beside the sea and of course this place ends up loosing as usual.

And other days its like this kind of idea of Jeez is hard for me to stay here, its getting harder to breath... what if i just stop? It may sound suicidal but its not its a metaphor of how hard is being here and what if i just leave, even though there's no freakin' way to get the hell out of here, its like if i was tied up to the ground. Right now i so want to cry and hold someone so bad... but i cant cry its seems there's a drought inside my eyes, and i cant hold someone because there's not a real person around me to be held. My world seems to fall apart but one more time, yes one more time, ill have to stand strong even if im decomposing from the inside.

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer feels so nostalgic, but cant do anyhting about it...

MQ ......................... I want to find the key however it is, to unchain myself from the ground . smm- simply me -M

First time

2008-11-22T22:22:00.000-08:00

Hmm I have followed my principles and im giving it a shot, im scared of doing something wrong... Hurting that person, change the way we act, the communication, ahh i mean i feel something but im not sure if that feeling can get deeper or just stay as friend type, that's why im giving it the chance to see what happens next, i feel good im not freaked out maybe a little confused.. cuz i never thought that somebody could have ever liked me. That was my first thought when t got the text, i was like "How can someone like me?". Yep that was my first thought then it was the second "Im not that kind of person.. im the "friend" type, the one who is always there but never that special". As they say there's always a first time, and what an experience, i have always felt like that, i mean believing in love but never believed i would be the person that was on the mind of someone else, i always thought "I'll do things in the name of love", and i never considered myself as a great person to be able to be that kind, the kind that is likeable, i think.

There's not really much to say, i have been thinking a lot of principles and i dont want to go to fast and neither to close my mind for a new possibility, that in the end may lead me to what i have always expected for, but even though there is always the black side of it, i dont want to hurt anybody, i dont want to do the wrong thing, i dot want to pretend a lie, for the first time, Im really really affraid, i dont want to mess up.

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer maybe is starting to believe...

MQ ......................... I dont want to make mistakes . smm- simply me -M

Along came the good stuff

2008-11-18T17:22:00.000-08:00

What can i say, hmm sorry i havent posted anything lately, well its been actually, since i got brokenhearted but now im fine im over it and i dont need anybody to be happy or to make smile, ive got friends to make stronger. Even though im still looking for that special one but not as hard as i used to cuz very inside of me im still affraid of getting hurt again, but whats life without pain and loosing, and whats life without love, its like breathing without any air, so ill have to get used to it.

It kind of left me a good thing, i started to draw again and to write songs. As one of my drawings says... Along with bad things good things come along.. and its true, i mean now that my mind is clear and not worried about anything its like this whole bunch of ideas just started popping out of my head even if sometimes i cant find the way to make them something concrete. I have this idea of dude or a dudette haha that is lying under an apple tree but i dont know how to develop it into a sheet of paper... im still thinking about how can i do to draw it the way i want it to turn out, uhh i think ill have to make it wrong some times so i can make the right one.

As they say, mess up the first times and correct your mistakes so you can make the last one correct.

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

This dreamer maybe is starting to believe..

MQ ......................... bad things=good things . smm- simply me -M

I better stop being such a fool for you...

2008-11-05T20:24:00.000-08:00

Oh man i cant believe it...
I have just read every post in here, and i truly cant believe how blinded and lost i was about you, hmm i mean if the outcome had turned differently i would feel better but the outcome was painful, it bursted my beautiful bubble. I am still a fool for you but i need to stop believing and come to reality i have to change the way i feel so this whole stops burning..., even though the result of telling the truth totally depressed me. Telling you the truth was the biggest mistake of my life, and telling you that you were always the only thing on my mind,but i have to admit that you still are.. God i cant lie, thinking of you still makes me wanna smile, i have to get you out of my mind and throw this emotion away, ive tried a dozen times to do that, it seems i cant let go of it.

It kind of upsets me that i cant deal with this, a part of me doesnt want to give up and still believes there is something that i can do to hold you, and then there is this other side that is willing to admit that there was nothing to make us come together, and to let go of this feeling that only makes me feel so depressed and sad because it knows that is not going to be easy to let go of the only person that made me happy and the only person that had the power to destroy me, im half destroyed but im on repair, i dont know when ill be ready, i hope soon so i can close my heart with all of the locks you broke and attach a lot more so if someone hurts me again that locks will remind me that i cant let myself believe something that is not going to happen. I have plenty of support to move on, they all say there are lots of fishes in the sea and that i can find another one... but when i find the other fish i am certain that im going to start comparing it with you, and for my heart your are going to be irreaplaceable cuz there is not going to be any one like you and because of that i wont let that other fish inside of my head, i am still going to be thinking of you, your eyes, your smile. I have to let this idea fly away from my heart and mind.

Cuz i gave you my everything but i wasnt the one...

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*
This dreamer is tired of dreaming of things that were never real.

MQ ......................... now I know it was nothing there to hold on to. smm- simply me -M

Truth

2008-11-02T21:03:00.000-08:00

Man im seriously sad... and depresed i want to hurt myself to punch the wall and brake my hand, but im not that brave to hit the wall with all my strenght, im such a coward. i cant believe that the reason i traveled so far now makes me think of my dumbness and to regret everything, well not everything, i mean the fact that i told you what i was supposed to tell you, i believe that was the worst mistake of my life... and im still young God if i only had thought twice before making that kind of choice maybe i wouldnt feel like this, but just maybe because as they say if you dont risk you dont win, but in this case i risked all of my integrity from my mind to my heart and what was the outcome? Coming back to this place broken hearted and regreting everything.

I cant believe how stupid i was to go with an illusion and founding out everything i dreamt was supposed to be a dream and nothing more, im not the one for you it was never meant to be, i kept holding on to that idea of happiness, I now declare im done with this stupid obsession with love, (Moulin Rouge). The only thing i can say is that i dont believe in anything, believing is painful, you will just have to let time heal you, even if it will hurt like fucking hell, if time doesnt heal me ill have to take this nail with another nail. I dont want to listen any music, it depresses me like you have no fucking idea, in the whole day i didnt even touched my ipod, but the stupid radio always comes out with that stupid love song, i remember i heard this song that really made me want to get out of the car and start running through the traffic and see if a car ran over me, the song was its you by ryan cabrera God Ryan Cabrera i damn you! no and thats not the end of this messed up day later, arriving at my house Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls was on the radio, i totally wanted to kill myself, i actually punched the air bag, my mom was like: whats wrong with you? i totally answered nothing mom... ¬¬ i seriously wanted to die. Sorry that i didnt said goodbye, i didnt had the guts but if i had told you, i would have cried, i didnt wanted you to see me cry. Even though i cried on the plane... people were staring at me.

Now ill have to look inside my heart something that makes me write without wanting to hit the walls and hurt myself.

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

Maybe this dreamer doesnt want to dream anymore, cuz the next dream that pops up may die, but now the dreamer as weak as it is, it may die with its dream.

MQ ......................... now I know it was nothing there to hold on to. smm- simply me -M

Hoping for an outcome.

2008-11-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

Well im here, and i am not sure if im going to be able to tell you all of the things i want to say... i mean today is my last day here, i really need to take this of my head its killing me, yesterday i saw you, i couldnt take my eyes of off you it was like i was hypnotized by all of your glow, i melted jeez im telling today also to other people how i am, while i do this i hope they react ok even though im expecting the worst, sometimes is better to expect the worst cuz if you're expecting like the best it always turns out wrong so if i expect the worstand they react ok i will be relieved and not hurt or disappointed. Im still wondering how will you react after i spit everything out, with no exceptions. I think im going to freeze as always or maybe i will try to evade the subject, or even run away like the coward i am. It feels i cant breathe or im pausing in every breath. Right now i need someone to encourage me to go and ask you if i can take 10 minutes of your time, going by myself is going to be hard, really hard. But well there's nothing more ican say right now, im affraid, its the truth ill let time pass and hope for a nice outcome, or at least an answer.

Anxious to open up

2008-10-23T17:16:00.000-07:00

OMG!! im so happy right now! actually thats kind of... rare nowadays but well, im going to that city beside the sea *sigh*... event though I havent slept in a while, I mean yesterday i only slept like 4 hours but today it changed to winter time that its an hour less so i only slept like 3 hours, but in those hours awake i was only imagining how everything could happen, every alternative, ha i cant believe i spend all night thinking about it, and that doesnt mean i regret it, I truly love thinkin about you, its the best thing I can do with my spare time, my favorite activity, a meaningful thought. All of that, sometimes I think Im too lost in my head thinking of you, even if what i think hasnt happen, anyway i like to come back to reality and tell myself: "Its going to happen... its only a few days away" ahhh today is unreal i feel like i never have felt before, and you know what? its still away that date, imagine how im going to be one day before that date, Jeez im going to start acting like one crazy stupid person or i might freeze and go pale and act like a freakin zombie, hmm i would have to choose between those options and to play it cool, relax even though im about to explode of anxiety!!!! (ok to much coke for today).

To me everything now seems like an illusion but i cant deny the way I blush when I think of you, the way I smile when I remember your words, the way I almost wanna pass out when someone mentions you, the way I wanna go to bed early,Just so I can dream of you although sometimes i dont even sleep, the way I wanna hold your hand, the way I write your name on my schoolpapers, the way my heart beats faster, and the way I feel when I imagine you with me, I cant deny any of them its impossible, its like trying to keep living without any air, just like that...
Im only waiting for that beautiful moment to say the truth and nothing more.

A dreamer dreams of an idea & dreams it will never die*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

I stopped singing...

2008-10-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

Lately i have been a little negative and abstent minded again, it seems that everytime i wake up i really dont have the spirit to do anything... not even doing the things i enjoy the most like playing rockband, playing soccer, drawing, SINGING, when i stopped singing i totally thought something was really messed up in my head, truly, i sing like every moment and not singing shocked me. I started to notice that the feeling of emptiness was becoming stronger, i know its normal to miss the things you left behind but honestly these days that feeling is really hurting me, and i cant allow it anymore, its way to hard for me. I need to start creating new ideas of my life at this moment just to give less importance to that emptiness, even though im a little scared of forgetting a lot of things that make me wanna smile.

And not knowing from you is making me insane... but im just too scared to open up, scared to make your cellphone sound ,scared to be let down, but this wall inside of me is like slowly falling apart, the more i do to break it down the slower the bricks start to break.I have always walked on a lonely street, with no one there for me. It took so long to see me in misery. And now it’s clear to me.I wanna see a smile on your face cuz I absolutely love it,When you smile. Im running out of places to hide from you i died to say everything to u but i turned my head away and never really got the guts to say it... and now i regret everything. And now that I dont have no light to guide me and no one to walk beside me, will you come to me? If you care give me a sign and let me know, if you dont at least let me know even if i may not want to hear it, gently talk to me.

Im still searching who im supposed to be, I may find myself or i may not find me, im trying to follow the clues but it seems that there are too many.. but i cant give up right now, cuz i know im waiting for me, i mean that all of me as a whole is there waiting for me to find every little thing inside of me. What im feeling is complicated but if i walk away i will never understand how it feels to overcome that unusual feeling inside of me. Im dreaming of that idea.

A dreamer dreams of an idea and dreams it will never die*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

We are all humans

2008-10-10T22:05:00.000-07:00

So its officially not my birthday anymore, i feel good, i think but theres something that really bothers me i mean people always ask hey how does it feel to turn 15? Jeez it feels the same!! you only get older! For me i actually think is a freakin normal day, you get up you go to school you come back, you eat, sleep blah blah blah its the same rutine the only thing that changes is that peopla congratulate you thats the only difference but well enough of this. Yesterday october 10 i really appreciate those who remembered, i really do.. thank you, you are the ones that matter and those who didnt, i mean im not going to have any hard feelings cuz everybody can forget, we are humans. forgetting things is pretty normal. Im not going to be mad at them i will let them realize what they just forgot and learn from it, like a lesson, hoping they remember that i remember almost all the time and im not even over there. But that reason can also be an excuse, well not exactly an excuse, hmm a cause why some people forgot, cuz when i was over there i remember the ones who congratulate me because i was present, standing in front of their eyes, but now im away its more hmm insignificant, well not insignificant, its kind of a harsh word i think the goos word to use would be hmm i actually cant find that word but well i can live with it and move on. I always do and i always will.

Enough anger or whatever it is called lets see im over mexico and i feel alone inside this house with cold walls and full of people, cuz i know all of these people are a bunch of hypocrits maybe there are 2 or 3 that can be saved but i know the rest of them just like to pretend. I really feel lost here, im here for a reason and thats the only thing that matters getting along with these people its just a rock among my way. And in this moments of complete loneliness in my house on my own i feel lonely but i am with myself and nothing else , but in here surrounded by people, I feel lonelier than ever cuz i know this people dont really care of what i do. And in these moments i think of you so something important occupais my head and forget all of that bullshit just imagining that sweet smile all of my pain goes away and all of my anger slowly disappears and im glad it does cuz i stop feeling the need to scream and tell all of those people to shut the fuck up and stop pretending shit they are not, you calm me down and at the same time you make me feel at peace and make me desire that you stay beside me al the time im over here and hold my hand all the time but that wont happen till i talk to you about what i dream, think, desire day and night.

A dreamer dreams of an idea and dreams it will never die*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

An everlasting dream

2008-10-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

Ok so uhm its been a long time since i came down here to talk well write, i just dreamt this really weird dream (how normal) that day in the evening i talked to a friend of mine and dreaming he was there, for some reason i was telling him how i felt and how scared i was, i was affraid he wouldnt understand or he would have reacted bad, he totally understood and totally supported me, he said that it was ok to keep some things to yourself but it is better for you to let those feelings out, and he also encouraged me to tell you everything. I was suppossed to be leaving his house but somehow i was walking through his garden and then it got bigger and bigger, i was lost and tired, i layed down beside an apple tree and fell asleep, i dreamt in my dream (totally normal nowadays) that i was standing in front of you and there was this phrase in my mind, i remember it pretty well it was, please dont let me fade away, kiss me goodbye and then if you want we can both fly beside the shinning stars, if you refuse after we kiss ill let you go if that's what you want me to do. Even if the only thing i want to do is stand here right beside you.

I woke up from my dream (still dreaming) and my friend was sitting next to me, i was about to tell him to forgive me cuz of staying over so late, but in the precise second i was about to tell him that he just said: "Its ok im glad you are here, telling me the truth, but now you shouldnt be affraid of giving your heart and soul away, you have to take the risk. Now go, its not really polite to keep that person waiting". I hugged him tight, a tear slipped my cheak, i ran through the garden that now seemed so small, i was arriving to that place behind the mermaid fountain. You were there with those beautiful eyes of yours, and that sweet smile that makes me melt every time you look at me. I was about to say everything i had to and then i had the courage to place my hand over yours and sitting on the edge of the fountain i slipped and grab your arm and you fell with me too, in that moment i was truly sorry for tossing you into the fountain. i said: "Oh crap im really really sorry im such a mess! sorry!", you answered me.. :"Its ok, im fine, really"(really in a soft voice) . By the time you ended that sentence you took my hand for a moment then with both of your hands you reached my face and held it softly for about 2 minutes later still holding my face and your eyes seeing my eyes ( i was totally lost in your eyes!! to true to be real) you aproached my face and then kissed me... Jesus it was like the greatest thing ever. It was so sweet and soft i just didnt wanted to wake up, but yeah i woke up.. how convenient.. but above all of my dreams i can totally swear for everything that i own that it was the most beautiful dream i have ever dreamt. (knowing i dream a lot of you) I would want this dream to be everlasting..

A dreamer dreams of an idea and dreams it will never die*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

am i going nuts?

2008-09-01T16:12:00.000-07:00

ok so im feeling weird or somethig kind of strange or hurt or not worried about people, i dont really know whats going on with me, today is like one of those days when im like hating everything or something, apparenting im fine even if in my inside im not or OMG i dont know ANYTHING im seriously becoming insane or something Jeez ufffff i need some silence, some rain, pretty weird it hasnt rained in the past couple of days i mean what the heck it is supposed that here rains everyday and now there is not even a frikin gray cloud, crap i sound angry, i dont want to sound like that, fffffff i need my IC right now i need someone to make me feel everythings ok or at least make me believe it is and take this worries out of my head with a simple joke or a stupid comment it doesnt matter i need it.

I dont understand myself i hate rain but i love rain i dont get it, im weird, but for everybody to know i do like rain, it relaxes me and inspires me keep writting on and on till there is nothing more in my mind, cuz i like writting what i feel even if sometimes it doesnt make any sense or something logic.I also need to talk to you but i cant find the way and seems you dont care or i dont know at this point i dont want to raise false expectatives and i dont want to brake down at this moment, i will keep average as always and look up to the sky and try to find a grey cloud you are still the one that makes me stay up late cuz i rather think of it than sleep.
Ha a lot like our IC song Electromagnetic Spectrum.
I love u my invisible crayons. Remember me cuz if you ever forget things will just get harder and harder because of distance. It isnt as easy as just calling me or going to an specific place.

A dreamer dreams of an idea and dreams it will never die*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

Read me. P.D: you can comment here, its ok or email me, whatever you choose.

2008-08-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

okay this is my second post over here, and i just entered school, something new, new nice people, new house, new ideas, new emotions, everything is just so new, and one of this things i wish i couldnt feel it but distance is really hard, i heard one of ryan cabrera's song from his latest album the moon underwater really touched me and like described the moment, let me write it down so you see why.

Eight years later
Time goes by fast
Got my memories
And they will last
I try to keep it simple 'cuz I hate goodbyes
I try to keep it simple by telling myself that
I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
We're not together I will remember you
I will remember you

We're a picture in my mind
And when I wanna find you
I just close my eyes
You'll never be that far from me
So don't say goodbye 'cuz
You'll never be that far from me
I'm telling myself that

I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
We're not together
I will remember you

You were there when I needed love and
Thank you, thank you
I never told you how much that meant
God thank you, thank you
I will remember you

And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so

I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
We're not together I will remember
We're not together
I will remember you
I will remember you

About the first line of eight years later, it aint right and it wont be that long till i see you again so dont worry, ill show up, i just wanted you all to know that cuz i miss you all its not the same, its always rainy and its not like over there that i could enjoy rain with all of you, now i just see it fall down and wish i was over there, the city with the sea beside it. I hope you dont forget me cuz i wont, i wont let my mind and my heart to forget all those memories, they just mean too much to me, im struggling with emotions and distances so there is no much to do, now everything i do is different but average. One thing i ask you is to remember me as i am and as who is always there, dont you ever forget that. Thank you for everything, im still here but apart by roads.

A dreamer dreams of an idea and dreams it will never die*

MQ ......................... smm- simply me -Moni, nothing else.

Chest of memories

2008-08-21T14:36:00.000-07:00

every box is a whole vision to the past, everything in it, its a memory, a good one a bad one, its just one memory that takes you to that place and time, so magical so beautiful so unbelievable, but real for a few minutes. It really makes me cry to open a new box and take out a new memory, i still have a lot to unpack, but it seems that the 11 boxes together are like this chest of memories that i dont really want to open, only sometimes when im lost or melancoholic i dont know how to describe the word but i have no choice cuz everything inside that chest i need it, its part of me, my past, my part of present, even if its not my future i still want to hold on to those memories even if they make me try to wonder why im here not where i want to be, next who the ones i love and i really miss and that special persons that make my day by only thinking of them. Its not going to be the same i already feel so lost and it has not even started the whole change, its only the beggining and im not ready for it, its turning over a new page of the book but i really dont want to change it, i want to stay in the same chapter, in the same page.

But i need to get used to it, this, i dont want to feel pain here, i dont want my family to see im sad, so i better pull myself together or at least pretend i have already. I cant let them see me breaking down so ill hide behind this smile even if theres this place so empty inside me ill keep hiding behind this smile, and i will wear sunglasses so nobody can see my teary eyes.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

Curve up ur lips and smile

2008-08-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

uhm im tired and its barely 5:11 p.m, yesterday i slept at 5 a.m and they kicked my butt till i got up and it was like 11:30 or something and i was like ohh you mofos go and..... and then i paused and my eyes went blank cuz the dream i dreamt that night came up to my mind and everybody went "hey!!! moni what the heck happened?" and i was still dreaming awake, i was walking in my room and all I could see was you, staring at me and curving your lips to form a beautiful smile, jeez i felt like i melted, but then bam my brother hit me. ¬¬ aghh i wanted to kill him so bad, but he is my brother so i couldnt. Oh i almost forgot, i finished Breaking Dawn its all about for ever between Bella Edward and Renesmee i loved it, but at some point i didnt wanted to finish the book cuz i mean i just love the story too much, but well im finished with the saga...
im just awaiting for the movie, i hope its as perfect as the books.but well enough with the whole twilight saga all i say is that its CUTE hehe.

I like silence and in here i cant have it, everybody is always yelling, maybe that one of the reasons i stay up at 5, cuz another reason is that i have plenty of movies in my red laptop and last reason and most important because in those moments of silence and those dawn hours i wonder if you are asleep or awake or dreaming one of those options, cuz time is important, even if it makes us older, i dont worry about getting older, i just worry about the things i havent done and the words i havent said. I dont want to die without doing the things i would have liked doing at least once.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

inspiration...

2008-08-07T11:25:00.000-07:00

Well my trip around canada and the amazing city of seattle is over, tonight im at monterrey, mexican land haha, i just heard those words from someone =) ha well i really dont know what to write here, i ran out of inspiration, a little weird i think, i was complaining because i havent had the time to write here eveyday but its like i cant think of anything. You come to my mind but when i blink you had already dissapeared from my mind, i need some rain, i need it..... , i also need to know you are ok but in my head i just get no answer and i hope you are and i also hope that you notice sometime, but well i cant do much im away from where im supposed to be, pictures burn my heart, its killing me to see your smile and closing my eyes and then opening them, cuz i know there is nowhere to find them cuz its only my imagination, hmm i need to keep breathing, i need to take a deep breath cuz even when it seems that im breathing, the air just doesnt get in my lungs, it feels like i have no lungs, like that hole i once talked about, the incompleteness the need for something or someone to fill me up, even if i didnt want to be helped but this time im only waiting for it to notice i need it and if that doesnt happen i guess ill have to travel to the corners of my mind to foind at least what keeps me away from falling apart one more time.
even thouhg i dont know how much can my heart handle the wait for that stuff to make me stand up, and i also dont know if it does fall apart how much time will it need to heal, can a song heal an awaiting body? i dont know that but at least im still writting once more and i will continue until every part of me is squeezed till i get the last drop of inspiration.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

look at the panorama

2008-08-02T01:21:00.000-07:00

Ok guess what? i lost my notes of the other five days, im such a moron jeez but well im in canada and i dont have the time to write here, and that kind of bothers me cuz everyday its a new post sometimes small and sometimes long. The thing is the other 4 days of countdown are resumed like this i have the power to keep writting my life book all of those who i leave behind are still on my book and they will always be, they are in a special chapter of my book so i wont let time rip that chapter page by page, its locked and im the one that can chooses to rip the pages or not, and i wont destroy it.
Well changing subjects im in canada well was now im in seattle washington beautiful city i would really like to live here but canada is also so gorgeous everywhere you look there is nature around you, but when i look around i think of you, if you could watch every landscape, they look like paintings, so perfect, i know you would like canada so fresh and full with nature, even if its cold as hell.... ehmm i dont think thats a good way to describe the cold but whatever.

its like 2:46 over here in seattle and in mexico should be like 4 something and im not sleepy, what a surprise. Canada is one of those places for people who love nature and athletes a lot of hiking, skiing, snowboarding, but now it aint season for snow but when it is a lot of people go have the taste of adrenalin and cold ha, i wished a little snow, but at least i have rain that reminds me of you, so as the green trees i pass by driving, and its not because i have nothing to do cuz ive got plenty of distractions but you make my time fly and i feel good when i think of you and i ask myself if you are fine or if you are not, i would really like to know and i also would like to have more time to write over here about... . you and everything that involves you but i have to look at this beautiful panorama and keep my head up high and imagine everything is falling in the right place.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

Rain come with me

2008-07-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

Well its the countdown now, and 5 more days and im officially gone, wow those words all together make my heart stop for a second and then beat faster, it seems that hell is so close and heaven is out of reach, everything is going to be different, but i dont wanns talk about it and i knoe im evading the subject and it will be better to start to get used to the idea that im leaving, i dont know how im going to survive without you, i amazingly have, and i will, until i see you and your beautiful soul, its going to be though but i will do it. Life has turned out how i wanted but this surprised me. i mean going away and how i feel about you. I guess i cant be able to predict or anticipate what is going to happen to you or the ones close to you. Past is history, present is today and future is unknown, sometimes i would really like to take a sneak pick of whats aheadfor me, i knoe i cant and i should leve the future unknown cuz thats why we call this life cuz we dont know whats going to happen i nspecific time, right now i just eant to know what are yoy doing and what are you thinking, i would like that super power, to knoe wat other people think, even if i hear bad comments. Im breakable even if it doesnt look like, im like hmmm a watermelon?? ha thats really stupid but the watermelon is hard or rough on the outside and sweet and soft on the inside, this isnt a good way to describe me, i suck describing myself, i'll find a better way later, well 4 days to go officially cuz it already past 12 its actually 4:41, this is going to be hard, rain please come with me.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies.*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

Nice TV serie.

2008-07-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

So its 5:53 a.m and Im listenin to my ipod, specifically the rainy/cloudy playlist with the whole Boys Like Girls album and this girl that sings country.. Taylor Swift, sweet songs, and Colbie Caillat album. Im specially addicted to one song of boys like girls, Thunder, but acoustic, it sounds more deep and romantic. The Chorus is awesome, the whole songs really hits me, i changed some words and it ended up like this.

Your smile was the inspiration of my summer
Do you know its unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever look anothers
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Ha, i know the summer isnt over yet but i knoe your smile will make me write all summer long and even more time, i guess till i see you smile again, and i repeat the words that i believe bella or edward said i dont remember the thing is that the words are:"you are exactly my brand of heroin" ha, im addicted but it doesnt affect my health and thats good, and that makes me keep wanting more uff let me catch my breath for a moment i just came back of one of my thoughts, it really shocked me, i think if i gather all my thoughts together i could pull out a good tv series. But just for you to know if you ever get the chance to drop by my blog (this one smmsoul) you will notice im such a fool for you, and i cant control it. I only ask you is that you should never stop smilling cuz everytime you do my eyes shine and my day doesnt seem so fucked up.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies.*

MQ ......................... -? smm- simply me -M

Thank you subconscious.

2008-07-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

Ive got some more texts i have written over the past 5 or 4 days so im going to write them in one single day, so here goes the first one.

Today is rainning again, how magnificent is that, and i say this because every raindrop that touches my skin reminds me of, oh. This is going to sound stupid but well, like that scene of daredevil when they are both actors on the roof top of a building and guy is blind so he can see Elektra, and then it starts to rain and with the sound of the raindrops makes the dude sees Elektra. I mean when you are far away from my eyes its like everytime i see the rain, i imagine your silhouette formed by raindrops. And I see myself in one of those mental lagoons sitting over a balcony with my trusty notebook and my confident blue or black pen looking at the beautiful rain fall down so cold and gracefully, and then a thunder sounds takes me by surprise and when i recovered i saw your silhouette aproaching to me and then i just felt how your cold hand touched mine. And i almost thought i felt it, i came back to reality, you got my head spinning and i really didnt knew wher to go from there, today it was one of those days when every once in a while i pretend im ok, but i figured out i have been loosing so much time, and i take a few tears now and then just to let them out.

Everything you do is beautiful, your voice follows me everywhere, i hear it more than my subconscious and that really doesnt bother me, cuz it seems you are right behind me, and i turn around everytime even if i know its impossible that you are behind me, i keep the illusion but my hopes are too high. I would do anything to have the chance to feel your hand over mine even just for a while but it seems too far away. I thought of you and me in a huge mall and its like theres you and me and all of the people that had nothing to do and im paralyzed standing between all of the people and my eyes are like attached to you cuz i just cant take them off of you, and you smile at me and thats all i could have ever asked for, nothing distracts me and you dont go anywhere until something dizzes me up and i fall down on my knees and when i try to get up still dizzy i see you starting to fade away, and the ni realized it was only a dream. How Fortunate. Thank you very much sunconscious but well thats i dream once every rainy day.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies.*

MQ ......................... -r? smm- simply me -M

Changes

2008-07-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

Hey it seems that now i publish the posts early (the last one and this one) it means that my internet is gone for good, well not for good, cuz that was the only way i could talk to you, even if our conversations didnt lasted long, at least we talked and thats important for me cuz you really pay attention to what im saying and i really thank you for that, but well changing the subject.
I hate distances, i really do, why are there miles, kilometers and all that stuff? why cant we teletransport ourselves to wherever we want to be or whoever we want to be around. i guess ill better start working in that particle dismantler, ha that will take some time so i will have to control myself before i lose my head, i mean seriously distance is stupid, distance changes people. i mean it, a lot of people o have met that have gone somewhere else to live, change, they do, and that really frightens me. i dont want to change. I DONT. But maybe i wont resist or i wont notice until you or other people tell me:"Hey, you have changed a lot." And of course i will deny it, its obvious when we dont want to admit something we deny it. I promised not to change..... and i plan to keep that promise, so i wont change, i take promises really important, cuz my childhood was full of broken promises and my heart broken into pieces. I dont want to dissapoint anyone cuz i have down so many times that i would never allow myself to let the ones i care for down because of me and they mean so much to me and a promise a commitment to acomplish something and to be content with yourself, but well i have just taken this down too deep i was supposed to write other something else, i will just have to publish that another day, and i cant finish this one without something about you.

Im admiring the rain ant the most i admire is you as my sunny day, and i have noticed that when i look at a dark night and those stars far away so bright and beautiful remind me of you, so unlike the others making myself wait anxious for the night to come and see those stars even if it had rained or if it had been sunny. I just look around and i see you in everybody and when i close my eyes you are everywhere i look.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies.*

MQ ......................... -r? smm- simply me -M

i will find a way too let it out by words

2008-07-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

Well here i am, there is something that is been bugging me for a while so im going to use this blog to let it out.
Hm people are rare. I mean I was talking to a friend and there was something i wanted to tell her but..... i chickened out, the words couldnt come out of my mouth, well i didnt typed what i wanted to say, and its really making me insane. People do that, they want to comment something and its like they keep that words in their heads and they think of what might happen if they say whats on their mind. Sometimes when what you think its told you might hurt somebody and that is not good but really when there is something really really important for you to say, like something that has to do with feelings its good to let it out. People get scared, yes, we do. And i include myself in those people cuz im too shy to say what i want and what i feel, im brave in other aspects but the whole thing of expressing emotions isnt one of my strongest qualities. And thats why i write. Well not only because of that, i like to write about what i feel, what i experience, what i think and that, but i wouldnt have the guts enough to say all that i have written on my blog to a public, i just CANT. Its way too hard for me, but i guess i better start working in something good to say what i feel. And i really have to find a way for my own good, its not wrong to write all that but i fear someday my head and my heart will not take it anymore and all the paper in the world wouldnt be enough. Now im over this subject. i just wanted to let that out.

And about the next post im about to write, those stars so bright and beautiful arent you, cuz you are just a fallen star even brighter and way beautifuler that the others. And in this confusing times, i only know its you, cuz you make me sing, you make me wonder how will the next day appeal, and how will the sun rise and just remind how your hypnotizing smile lightens up my eyes and my whole day, cuz you are just every moment of my everyday.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies.*

MQ ......................... -r? smm- simply me -M

you just make my day joyful

2008-07-13T05:02:00.000-07:00

jeez its early, fckin phone why did it had to ring, now im not sleepy, gosh does my brother knowthere is something called keys, responsability, moral or something that would touch his heart andnot call at Fucking 6:34 a.m, what the heck. But well i dont wanna be mad, its kind of good cuzmaybe i'll get the chance to meet you, but who knows, ahhhh i feel sleepy but not at the same time with a morning like this it made me wanna go run by the sea ahhhh but im hungry, and i dont knowwah enough with this subject, still hungry. Lets move on i only slept 3 hours yeah more time to make my life valuable, lets the morning with something beautiful mmmm i have already seen the gorgeuos dawn in blue and orange and white or something, ohh dont think i forgot that i have already forgot to think of that special person, i did it since my eyes first opened this morning, do you think i could have forgotten?? never, you make my day beautiful, doesnt matter what had happened, doesnt matter how's the weather outside, doesnt matter if people want to brake me down cuz even if im in the floor that doesnt mean im broken cuz i have things to stand up for and you are one of them so, it doesnt matter what's happening i only need you to make my day worth passing it through.

Sometimes i think you stare at me and i have seen you do that, and sometimes i dont want to look at you because im too scared that i will say something wrong, and one time that i did turned i just answered your eyes with a smile on my face and a little blush in my cheeks, but i actually dont know what does your head thinks and someday i would really like to know what passes across your mind, but i guess that will be some other time, but it will be really interesting to know what you think.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies.*

MQ ......................... -r? smm- simply me -M

i dont a need a sunny day.. ive got you

2008-07-11T00:34:00.000-07:00

wow i finally got it.... i dont need a sunny day, you........ are my sunny day, it doesnt matter if its rainy and cloudy every day thinking of you makes my day so bright and shiny even if i see the sky falling apart in rain on the other side of the window or looking at grey clouds all over the horizon and beyond it, all i need is you on my mind, the air i breath and a place to rest my head is all i can ever ask for, the last two are the easiest ones but you on my mind is not what i really really need is you right beside me but i see that quite impossible yes impossible unless you found out and you felt the way back but theres the big dilema im not sure about that but well for a while it wouldn't hurt me if i only thought of you.

i only need to keep my head attached to my body and my feet stucked in the ground so i can still move literalty jajaja but i guess everytime i look somewhere your face chases me, but its you, when i look up at the roof o see you then i try to close my eyes and its you, when im sitting all alone in my room listenin to sad songs and hope songs everything reminds me of you, and im leaving, that's the worst part im dont know whats going to happen when im really gone, i wish things have turned out differently but theres nothing i can do, i'll just have to move on, gosh it took me too much time to write that jeez i will consider that like plan C =D jajaja well im staying up late again for you, i dont blame i thank you for making my time priceless and useful i dont care what time is it (3:34 a.m) i like staying up late to think of different situations involving you and me but i guess its enough of that so i will go to sleep ha why do i say that im just going to lay down and think, well farewell.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies.*

MQ ......................... -r? smm- simply me -M

so is it real?

2008-07-07T23:02:00.000-07:00

hi ehmm nothing new today... boring day, raining, (what a surprise!), same things, xbox, msn, empire earth, updating the blog ohh and last but not least you on my mind... once more ha, you have become part of my routine every night, every day, every evening, every dawn, every time i look at the sky falling into rain, you have become my favorite activity, i was passing the highway looking at green trees getting a little sleepy closing my eyes and thinking of upcoming situations with you and me, wow im totally thinking of it seriously and it seems your noticing too or maybe it was to consolidate our friendship or maybe not im not quite sure about that, i just ask myself: so is it real? And my head just doesnt leave the subject and for my dumbness i didnt took my ipod, but well maybe at some point listenin' to a song you might have popped into my head as easy as a popcorn jaja well kind of.

im happier im finally coming back but.... to pack up the crap in my room, jeez i just think of it and it appears so hard working, fiuu and my really really leaving day just seems so far away and i dont really know what the fuck im going to do when that day comes, im going to miss a lot of people, but i mean a LOT of people, and specially you the most. When i start up my life here im going to be so distracted about you, what you might be doing or what you might be thinking i think if i walk past the street im confident im going to get hit by a car seriously i would walk so absent-minded that noise would be the only thing to makes me wake up from my hypnosis. And watching the rain fall every single day out from my window i will be more and more hypnotized because i will be thinking of you. i guess i'll have to put curtains all over the windows ha but maybe thinking of you will make my day way happier than a normal one so i think that aint a good idea, i like the idea of thinking of you, but well im cold i just wished you were here beside somehow, someway it doesnt matter, maybe thats asking too much, but having you in my mind will make things alright.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies.*

MQ ......................... -r? smm- simply me -M

im not complaining or maybe i am

2008-07-07T01:05:00.000-07:00

jeez for the first time it seemed it wasnt going to rain, which i thought was a miracle it just started rainig like hell. why cant it be a frikin sunny day, im not complainig cuz i like rain and in here is cold rain and it is amazing but seriously im only asking for a single day with no rain at all, a simple sunny day with no distractions for my mind, cuz i think of you a lot in a rainy day and in a sunny one i think of you but not as much than in a rainy day because every raindrop that falls makes me wanna be close to you even if you could never find out what i do everytime i look at you, my heart races, my mind flies away, my eyes just wanna look at yours, trying to get the chance to see your smile cuz my eyes light up when you smile,whenever you pass by i stop and stare at you like my eyes couldnt notice anything more than you.

But i cant let myself lose like that i think absent-mindly and that could make you find out what i feel, so i'll have to ley my mind busy with you but in an awake mode, so i can notice whats going around. Everynight i think of you i stay out late with my eyes open like you were right beside me, and when i shut them all i want to do is dream, i wake up early to think you even if you confuse my head, i dont care, i just leave my mind to marble the idea of you right beside me.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies.*

MQ ......................... -r? smm- simply me -M

from day to night

2008-07-03T19:13:00.000-07:00

Here i am its rainig again...
Its like yesterday but with more thunders and ligthenings, i am finally coming back, but until tuesday, i wanna go back to pack my stuff and enjoy my last days over there before i go again to frikin Canada but well i just ended up listenin some beautiful songs and some interesting songs that perfectly fit with the emotion i keep feeling day and night, every morning it appears a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, every night i think of how just in a blink of an eye i was holding to something so hard and then i dont know how i just wake up and there is nothing to hold on to.

And i just cant stop dreaming the same thing on and on, and even if im not sleeping it comes to my head every once in a while, and i lose myself for a second then i return so suddenly that people ask me "Hey where were you? come back to earth" and this is just because of you in my dreams i tried to look in your eyes, and all i want a simple explanation for what I'm feeling inside,maybe there is a way out.... i just lose the sense of time and it makes my days go on faster than i could have ever thoght of. Your are just so diferent from everybody, so unreal, so unique, there is nobody that i can compare to you, its unbelievable but it is what it is, you just caught my attention. I took one big step and i looked away and then i thought of all the things that i wanted to say im always too late to say what i needed to let out of my mind, i just stay the same quiet and shy all the time. I feel like the stars are getting closer and the sky is closing in even if i just see the sky gray and it just dont stop raining. Rain and night reminds me of you over and over, i may not be able to survive over here if the weather forecast is always cloudy and rainy if it only reminds me of you..... i will have to find a way to hold on to my both legs.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies.*

MQ ......................... -r? smm- simply me -M

rainy days

2008-07-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

Its raining outside... and now that im
going to be over here i think this is going to be the current weather everytime i look up or at least a bunch of black clouds, i love rain but it makes me think more than i could have ever imagine, my mind just keeps on and on thinking of people, memories, feelings, weather, music, etc.
Its good to think about stuff but its unhealthy for me to look at the rain falling down the window, i just have to much to think about, and all those thoughts dazzle me and confuse as usual i just want to look the rain fall and get out and feel it streaming down my face and just think "Oh what a Beautiful day" and nothing else to occupy my head just that phrase round and round nothing more and nothing less.
Thinking of people exhausts me, i think of it.... and reminds me Every time I looked at you and tried to get a chance to see you smile, i just felt or feel so weak everytime you smile, like my heart was locked with a bunch of locks and when i saw you smile you just broke the locks and i just fell to hard to notice and get up dazzled with that brightness, looking at you holding my breath. But that appears to be over, but how can it be over if there was nothing there to be done.
Or is there something that i missed, maybe i missed a sign or maybe im just believing something that we both know wont happen, im just fooling myself once more, yes, I slip away to a day that'll never come so i will just stop making myself illusions and then falling into a thousand pieces, thats enough to bare... i just want to move on.
I just have to let go of the pain, and let rain down on me colder as it can so i cant made up my mind and step back and star all over with the same idea that will never be.

A dreamer dreams of an idea, and dreams it never dies.*

MQ ......................... -r? smm- simply me M-

dazed and with my head thinking of the same thing...

2008-06-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

well here i am once again...
i really feel like crap, all my left half of the body hurts like hell.
today was awesome i think, except for the pain but whatever i actually dont care
i mean it was a simple game i decided to play, but that aint the point why im typing here again.
Here it goes i mean im really feeling bad that im leavin' but i dont know how to react when it is actually happening i mean i know it is going to happen but im just not aware of how can it affect myself in the very very moment it occurs, i havent slept well this past week but i dont sleep because i want to it is because i cant, i think when you are asleep you are like in a sort of coma state or even that you're dead, sleeping only takes time that you can use to do something better, i know not a lot of people might be awake at the time i think im "dead for specific time" and actually im awake and people around me are sleeping but whatever im ok, im a little sleepy but man im not like writting and letting my head fall in the keyboard i can still remember what i did toaday and stuff like that but well i keep writting.
comig back to the part where i express myself about the feeling of leaving, i am leaving and it doesnt feel as good as i expected, i know it is a fresh start and all that but i feel im going to leave a lot of things behind..... well not beind cuz im going to come and visit everybody i can, but it is just not gong to be the same.

i love this place, i love the people arund me and everything but i have to this for me, i think or know, if this people i care for really care for me they will always have a little piece of me in their heart or mind, and i will always too but i want to get away from the drama, seriously too much stuff to handle for me and my thoughts, they only confuse me and make me doubt of myself and of what i think of. My body will be over there but a my heart will be between the distances, in half of everything, cuz i know im going to meet new people but thats a good thing, im not changing my friends for those who i meey i NEVER WILL cuz there is plety of room in my heart for important people, and the ones i knew before will always come first than the ones i just start to get along with. well changing subject im done with this one.

again the same as the last page think whatever, im still thinking of it, im scared well, im not but i have no time left to think if i say whay i mean to be said or just let the time do what its suppossed to be done, but i cant always let time do all the work, i guess i'll have to make some things too, even if im not aware of what i really want or what i really need, i think i have to get it out of my mind because i knoe im not being returned what i feel for it so i'll just have to leave it that way i guess i'll find someone that will make me think as well, react, so dazed and confused and even more involved in with but i will just have to let it go and keep rollin'

well that's it. everytime i look up at the sky it seems a gray cloud comes up ahead me.*

MQ ......................... -r? smm- simply me M-

Confusing and compromising

2008-06-05T19:12:00.000-07:00

ok Hi again, its been a while since i write over here
but actually i had this really weird dream...
of course im not writting what its about, the
information is compromising.

but well i think i just thought a lot of that person
even if it is different than me and something else the same
as me. i mean i had this thought also compromising
but i dont know what to think now...
im a little confused, cuz when i think of it, it
really makes my mind up, i mean this has
happened to me before but ehmm not with this person..
im willing to know its like, to experiment as they say well
whatever, im just a little aware of what might happen,

and i know what it is, i know how it thinks but i dont know
if it is really willing to take the first step.
im kind of interested but i really dont how to react if its
really going to happen something even if im leaving...
well that's al.

i might be fallin ... i guess i just fell to fast to notice*

MQ ......................... -r? smm- simply me -M

A simple Emotion... or not?*

2008-02-28T19:36:00.000-08:00

Well today was one day just like the others
MeaNingless, waiting for the school to end
and watching people around happy jumping and
singing around I mean that's really good,
they have a reason to be happy, or they are
only happy cuz that's how they are, I can't blame
them.Because Im ok with it, if im not happy at all
that doesnt mean I am sad, Im just livin'

Sometimes my head hurts and my ears start to
resound on and on I really dont know why....
and also once in a while I feel like a whole inside of me
that makes me hard to breath, it's like im missing
something but I dont want people to Fill me Up
cuz I believe im not missing anything...
but ...........well maybe im missing something
Or it is only a simple emotion
just as others....* or not.......

Keep on walking

2008-02-27T18:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if people is actually paying
attention about what other person is saying,
people dont care about what you have to say
they hear you or at least pretend to hear you but
they are not listenin' that's the thing, actually
they are just thinking of something else or they are
just waiting for you ti shut the fuck up.

When I say whatever comes to my mind I look
around and I feel that nobody can hear me or
they werent listening, I mean I know sometimes
people are distracted but really you can come up
with the Best Idea EVER and people doesn't
even look back to see what you just said
ha...

well I guess they just dont look back........
they Just Keep On Walking as the dont care..*